ANECDOTE
A woman in a Tongue Fu! workshop told our group that her friend had recently gotten laid off. She tried to commiserate by saying “I know just how you feel,” and started to tell her about the time she lost her job.
Her friend fired back, “You do NOT know how I feel.”
Has something like this ever happened to you? You tried to cheer someone up and it backfired?
That’s because unhappy people don’t want advice, they want empathy.
Alfred Adler said, “Empathy is seeing with the eyes of another, listening with the ears of another, and feeling with the heart of another.”
Next time someone’s feeling down, offer support instead of solutions. And whatever you do, don’t try to comfort people with “I know just how you feel.”
Instead, follow the ACTION advice below.
ACTION
Next time someone is unhappy, try this…
Imagine how they feel.
i.e. Your partner gets home from work frustrated & complainingReflect what they say.
i.e. “No one appreciates me,” ask, “You feel no one appreciates you?”
They’ll probably come back with a heartfelt, “YEAH. I’ve worked overtime the past few days and no one ever noticed or cared.”Articulate what they wish for.
i.e. “So you wish people noticed you put in a lot of hours to get this project done on time?”
This creates connections instead of contempt.
Until next time… Here’s to being better.
Sam Horn